Wednesday, May 11, 2011

English Hospitality !

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to
have a pint of beer.
 After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences.
No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls
surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public

"Just follow me" says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobby, "Whiz away, Sir, anywhere you like!!"

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
 Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.

He relieves himself immediately.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice
of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "

"No, Sir..." replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy".


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Three blondes went for a cop interview

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses. "

[ Contributed by AK ]


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Irish Halfwit !

A man owned a small farm in Ireland.
The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!" demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the halfwit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 a week.
He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Are you having an ID ten problem in computer ?

As we "Silver Surfers" (older folks on the Internet) know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the eleven year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, that little shit.

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Saturday, October 9, 2010

" Carrefour "...How to pronounce?

How to pronounce "Carrefour"

An interesting explanation posted on the net, discussing how to pronounce: Carrefour.

You're all wrong.
Carrefour is owned by a French of Chinese descent - Cantonese to be precise.

He started the successful business with money provided by his maternal uncle.
In order to thank and honour his uncle for the start-up assistance, he decided to name it after his uncle.

Out of sheer respect, he could not bring himself to use his uncle's common name.

So he called it the way he would always call his favourite uncle in the Cantonese dialect and i.e.......Cow-Foo.


Monday, September 27, 2010

BEWARE....Sitting on the Toilet Rim Cover !

Please pay attention to this article. It is of utmost importance.

Three women in KL turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period,
all with the same symptoms - fever, chills, vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally,death.

There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common.
It was discovered, however, that they had all visited a same restaurant along Jalan Kuchai Lama within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove up to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat.
 Under the seat, out of normal view, was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab,where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later, a lawyer from JB showed up at a hospital emergency room.. Before his death, he told the doctor that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home. He did not visit the restaurant while there. He did, as did all of the other victims, have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock.

Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .. The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India , and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata) spider's nests on four different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country. So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life! And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

P Susthitha Menon (Susi)
Photonics Technology Laboratory
Department of Electrical, Electronics and System Engineering
Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia
( National University of Malaysia )
43600 UKM Bangi
Selangor Darul Ehsan.



Friday, September 24, 2010

WHY New Zealand is in trouble !

Why New Zealand is in Trouble

The population of this country is 4 million

2 million are retired

That leaves 2 million to do the work

There are 1.5 million in school

Leaving 500,000 to do the work

Of these, 450,000 are "employed" by the government

So there's only 50,000 to do the work

4000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden

Which leaves just 46,600 to do the work

Take from that total the 10,000 unemployed people

Leaving just 36,600 left to do the work

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals

Leaving 17,800 to do the work

Currently we have 17,798 people in prisons

That leaves just two people to do the work

You and me

And there you are


At the computer, reading jokes

Nice..... Real nice.

[  Contributed by Eddie, H K ]