ERRORS in Messages...dangerous!

Weekend jokes for you....

Typing Errors


A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
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A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."
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A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party..So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom".

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Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof read everything before you send.


2. Don't trust others to write it for you.


3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

[ Contibuted by TF Chan ]

What our good friends look like at 50.

BATMAN AND ROBIN So it has been 50 years since Singapore became independent.

Those of you who are of the same generation ( 50 + years ) will share much in common with these charcters.

They too are 50 years old ! HAHA!
Smile and say "Cheeese! "

BARBIE DOLL









TWEETY BIRD
























SUPERMAN























THOR

Guess

Who?

SPIDERMAN

Humour of Red Skelton

Red Skelton's Recipe for Marriage!

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail.

For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!!

Either way, his humour was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humour. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant,

have a Little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays; ...I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.

She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!'

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor..I asked where the car was.

She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?'

The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days when humour didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,

'God Bless"

[ Contributed by TF Chan ]

BARLEY....don't ever overlook this!

If you have enjoyed this article and know someone who would enjoy it, would you kindly share it with him or her?

Healing and cleansing with barley

High in fibre, barley is also a kidney cleanser.
Better yet, regular intake of it helps prevent heart disease.
BARLEY water was always a regular drink when we were still living at home.
Whenever we had to go for a medical exam that included a urine test, my mum would make us drink barley water a day before it to make sure we got a positive result!

My mother was a wise woman. I later found out from an Australian naturopath that barley is known to be a kidney cleanser, and she happily downed glasses of it at a meal we had in a coffee-shop here.
Barley is good for your intestinal health too.
Try to eat the barley grains you find in your drink or sweet broth with "fu chook "(beancurd skin in Cantonese) and ginkgo nuts.
It's high in fibre which feeds the friendly bacteria in the colon and helps speed up the transit of fecal matter in it. In this way it helps prevent haemorrhoids and colon cancer.

The propionic acid and beta glucan from barley's insoluble fibre also help lower cholesterol and prevent the formation of gallstones.
Eating barley regularly is a preventive step against heart disease as, besides the fibre content, it is also high in niacin, a B vitamin good for lowering cholesterol.

Diabetics should eat more barley as the fibre will prevent blood sugar levels from rising too high. It also provides relief from constipation or diarrhoea for those suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Barley is rich in selenium which prevents cancer and relieves symptoms of asthma and arthritis. It is a good source of manganese, copper and phosphorous.
Malt sugar comes from sprouted barley which, when fermented, is an ingredient in beer and other alcoholic beverages.

Barley, whose Latin name is " hordeum vulgare" , has been cultivated for more than 10,000 years. Since ancient times, barley has been used for healing purposes and has been known to the Chinese, Egyptians, Greeks and Romans. Athletes in Greece and Rome in those days were known to eat barley bread to give them strength.

Besides the usual things we do with barley, I enjoy having it in a western soup. The larger pearl barley is used and I love the sticky bite of it.

Here's a recipe for barley soup:

Barley soup with roasted garlic
1 cup pearl barley 5 cloves whole garlic,
roasted 2 litres chicken stock, steeped from 1 chicken breast simmered in three litres water
2 tbsps vegetable oil,
2 large onions,
diced 2 carrots,
diced 2 stalks celery,
diced 150g turkey ham,
cut up 1 tsp ground white pepper
1 tsps sea salt or to taste 1 tbsp chopped parsley.

Method
1. Wash barley and soak it in a bowl of water for three hours. Drain.
2. Heat oil in pan and fry onions. Add carrots and celery, then the barley and fry for three minutes.
3. Add chicken stock, pepper and roasted garlic and simmer over low heat for at least an hour, or until barley is soft.
4. Add salt to taste and serve the soup garnished with chopped parsley.

[ Contributed by Violet/Yu Sing Tong through D2 ]

Unk Dicko's comments:
I could have died twice in 1965 and in 1970....if not for the healing powers of BARLEY!
What happened back then?
In 1965, since I started working in govt service..I had an income, not much but sufficient for me and a few like-minded friends to start on body building to keep fit and in shape.
The "workout gym " was at my old home in Geylang. We made it ourselves.
Food in those days were just enough for survival for people like us..all humble folks.
There was just not enough proteins in our daily food intake to sustain our body building programme.
So, I went down to North Bridge Road to shop for weight-gaining supplements.
I chose Weider's Weight Gain formula which came in cans. The content was in powdered form
and looked similar to Milo or Ovaltine.
But it was not very good tasting.
However, it produced the desired results...fast. I gained weight and added on muscle mass through the regular workouts.
The instructions on the can said clearly...consume 1 can daily.
I consumed half a can daily as I figured we are Asians and the advice was applicable for Americans ( Weider...was manufactured in USA ).

One fine morning, towards the end of that year, I suddenly felt dizzy...went to the toilet and found my urine was all red! I was passing out blood.
Without a moment's hesitation, I took a slow walk to my family doctor just outside Lorong 40, Geylang. Dr Thung L H, a very genial and lovable GP took a look at the bottle of "red urine" I had brought along and immediately wrote me a referral to be admitted to the SGH. He told me
to go straight away...no delay!
That was what I did and I was in the renal unit for about 5 days. The head of the unit was a very-well known Prof who recommended that I should drink BARLEY water every day and if possible eat the barley too. He told me to buy the raw barley, not those processed ones.

My kidneys were overworked by too much proteins consumed ( Weider's formula) in a short time-span. The tiny capillaries in the kidneys burst causing internal bleeding ...which could have been fatal.
Soon as I consumed lots of barley...my condition improved tremendously!
No drugs were issued to me for my treatment.
The only cure was Barley!

The same thing happened again in 1970 when I somehow forgot the earlier, near disaster 5 years before. Again I was passing out pure blood and again I was rushed to SGH.
The good Prof was still there in the same renal unit.
He gave me that same advice again...take plenty of Barley.
Again I recovered !

I have since been a great promoter and supporter of Barley as a healing cereal.

Kill CANCER...take Ginger!

Hi All,
Please forward to all your Cancer friends who may need this remedy to fight their cancer.
Keep forwarding as this will help others from time to time.

A Cancer Killer in the Kitchen - Ginger

The powerful healing effects of ginger have been well documented. It's a proven remedy for upset stomach. Reams of studies show that it inhibits inflammation. And there is substantial evidence that it fights cancer too.
For instance, a recent University of Michigan study showed that when ginger was added to ovarian cancer cells in the laboratory, it caused the cancer cells to self-destruct (a process known as "apoptosis"). In a separate study at the University of Minnesota , researchers injected colon cancer cells into mice that were bred to have no immune system.

Half of these mice were routinely fed gingerol, the main active component in ginger. The researchers found that the mice that were fed gingerol lived longer, their tumors were smaller, and the cancer did not spread as widely as in the control group.

With all these health benefits, you should be using ginger as often as you can. The best way I've found to get a healthy serving of ginger is to juice it. (The brand of juicer I use is an Omega.) Two or three days a week, I juice an apple or two, some carrots, spinach, broccoli, cabbage, and a big piece of ginger root.
The ginger gives the drink a great flavor and a powerful anti-cancer kick. I highly recommend that you try it.

[ Contributed by Yu Sing Tong through D2 ]

My comments:
Thanks for forwarding this very helpful report.
I do believe in the properties of Ginger...long time ago.
How I knew? Don't really know. I guess my body's 6th sense told me so.

CRANKY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country New South Wales, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, they found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

"Cranky Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . . . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . .. . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . .. . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . .. you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . . . . . .. ..Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . .. . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . .. . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . .. . . . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone .. . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . .. A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man. Look closer . . . . see . . . . . ME!!"

[ Contributed by Edward T ]

The DASH...an inspiring poem

A truly inspiring poem.
Click on the link below to watch the beautiful presentation.


Subject: World Famous Poem: The Dash
The Dash by Linda Ellis


I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.



He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

© 1996 Linda Ellis
And here’s a link to the beautiful movie:http://www.thedashmovie.com/
The clip comes with music too and beautiful scenes of the countryside.

[ Contributed by Ronnie Lim ]

Phone Call SCAM....Beware!

VERY Important Msg for all mobile phone users
Don't press #90 or #09

If you receive a phone call on your mobile from any person,
saying that,that they're checking your mobile line, and you have to press # 90 or #09
or any other number.
End this call immediately without pressing any numbers.

There is a fraud company using a device that once you press #90 or #09
they can access your 'SIM' card and make calls at your expense.

Forward this message to as many friends as you can, to stop it.

This information has been confirmed by both Motorola and Nokia.

[ Forwarded by many of you to me ]

Crazy ENGLISH to be replaced by EURO-ENGLISH!

1. THESE CHANGES MAY SOUND INTERESTING BUT CRAZY. IT MAY FURTHER COMPLICATE MATTERS LOCALLY.

2. WHAT IS THE MINISTRY OF EDUCATION GOING TO DO ABOUT THESE CHANGES?

3. HOW WILL THESE CHANGES AFFECT OUR STUDENTS &
THE PUBLIC AT LARGE?

4. WITH THESE CHANGES, IT WILL CERTAINLY AFFECT THE WHOLE WORLD'S ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

European English:
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[ unk Dicko wud lik to tank TF Chan for zis artikl ]