English Hospitality !

English Hospitality



An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to
have a pint of beer.
 After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences.
No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls
surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public
restroom."

"Just follow me" says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobby, "Whiz away, Sir, anywhere you like!!"

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
 Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.

He relieves himself immediately.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice
of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "



"No, Sir..." replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy".

Are you having an ID ten problem in computer ?

As we "Silver Surfers" (older folks on the Internet) know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the eleven year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'


So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, that little shit.

" Carrefour "...How to pronounce?

How to pronounce "Carrefour"

An interesting explanation posted on the net, discussing how to pronounce: Carrefour.

You're all wrong.
Carrefour is owned by a French of Chinese descent - Cantonese to be precise.

He started the successful business with money provided by his maternal uncle.
In order to thank and honour his uncle for the start-up assistance, he decided to name it after his uncle.

Out of sheer respect, he could not bring himself to use his uncle's common name.

So he called it the way he would always call his favourite uncle in the Cantonese dialect and i.e.......Cow-Foo.

WHY New Zealand is in trouble !

Why New Zealand is in Trouble



The population of this country is 4 million

2 million are retired


That leaves 2 million to do the work


There are 1.5 million in school


Leaving 500,000 to do the work


Of these, 450,000 are "employed" by the government


So there's only 50,000 to do the work


4000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden


Which leaves just 46,600 to do the work


Take from that total the 10,000 unemployed people


Leaving just 36,600 left to do the work

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals


Leaving 17,800 to do the work


Currently we have 17,798 people in prisons


That leaves just two people to do the work


You and me


And there you are


Sitting


At the computer, reading jokes

Nice..... Real nice.

[  Contributed by Eddie, H K ]

Don't be too smart!

An Indian goes to Woolworth's in Australia.
He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.
He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids.
He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworth's with a bag.
He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out.
He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell ! This is shit, you Idiot !"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes,........ now MAY I buy some toilet paper?"

[ Contributed by magicman ]

Never, ever be late...esp if you are a politician!

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived and showed his grand entrance, full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral of the story :
Never, never, never be late,.. more so if you are a politician'

Jobs For civil servants

Jobs for civil servants

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service? "
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."

"Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that."

[ Contributed by TF Chan ]

Should children witness childbirth?

Subject:
Childbirth from a 3 year old's point of view.

Should children witness childbirth?
Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

[ Contributed by Ronnie L ]

You will love this lawyer!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

Bang!! Case over.

And for the few minutes, the lawyer is richer by $10 million dollars.

Don't you just love lawyers?........

[ Contributed by Ronnie Lim ]

ERRORS in Messages...dangerous!

Weekend jokes for you....

Typing Errors


A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
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A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."
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A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party..So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Moral of the Story:
1. Double proof read everything before you send.


2. Don't trust others to write it for you.


3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

[ Contibuted by TF Chan ]

Humour of Red Skelton

Red Skelton's Recipe for Marriage!

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail.

For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!!

Either way, his humour was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humour. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant,

have a Little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays; ...I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.

She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!'

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor..I asked where the car was.

She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?'

The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days when humour didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,

'God Bless"

[ Contributed by TF Chan ]

God help those who help themselves!

There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said, "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.
No, God will save me!" he said.

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God,
"Why didn't you save me?"

God replied,
"For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

[ Contributed by Rosalind Pang ]

Real Signs that make you LAUGH!

[ Contributed by my good friend Ronnie Lim ]

Black Humour !

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything!!'

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied : 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
because I still have mine.'

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day :
'If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father!'

April Fools Day is for atheists !

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge.
After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.

Ancient Cave Writings...DaVinci Code.

Ancient cave writings
DAVINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, So they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left....... "

"It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick ."

[ Contributor Tng K G ]

$ 100 Humour

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President of USA.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C ,USA and those idiots took $95.00 in taxes."

[ Contributor: HC Chue ]

People with Poor Memory better not tell Jokes!

A lesson to be learnt !!
A special warning to older folks eh?


A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"

The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner,
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife !"

The wife went "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't remember!

[ Contributed by William Teo...thanks! ]

Can We Get Married In Heaven?

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple foundthemselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left..
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering;
what if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.
It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

7 Habits of Highly Effective Ah Bengs

Steven Covey's famous 7 habits for successful people are nothing more than a free adaptation of very common Hokkien phrases ( surprised ? )

So why pay thousands of dollars to attend talks when your grand-parents, parents, spouses and even the auntie who sweeps the floor can give you the same kind of advice FOC, every day?

No 1: Be Pro-ActiveKin Ka Kin Chiew ( Fast leg, fast hand )

Habit No 2: Sharpen the SawToh Bua Lai Lai ( Make the knife sharp )

Habit No 3: Begin with the End In MindOoh Tao Ooh Buay ( Have head, have tail )

Habit No 4: First Things FirstChik Hung Chik Hung Lai - Ban Ban Lai( One thing at a time, slow and steady ); orCho Tow Seng ( Do first ; talk later )

Habit No 5: Think Win-WinLong Chong Ai Yarh ( Must win everything ) This is definitely not thinking win-win. This is a zero sum game. Win everything!

Habit No 6: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be UnderstoodCho Lang Ai Eh Beng Pek ( You must be understanding )

Habit No 7: SynergizeTai Kay Ai Hup Chop ( All must cooperate )