Ancient Chinese Wisdom

Ancient Chinese Wisdom:
Very philosophical
Live Learn Work Play

人 啊！Man, O Man!
沒錢的時候，養豬； 有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;When have money, keep dogs.

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat wild vege at home ; When have money, eat same wild vege in fine restaurant.

沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車； 有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle; When have money, ride exercise machine.

沒錢的時候,想結婚； 有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married; When have money, wish to get divorced.

沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書； 有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When have money, secretary becomes wife.

沒錢的時候,假裝有錢； 有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man; When with money, act like poor man.

人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

說美女是禍水，都想要； 說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒； 說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;Says heaven is good but refused to go.

過去把第一次留給丈夫； 現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity; Now, woman gives man their newborn baby.

鄉下早晨雞叫人，城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;In the cities, man calls for chickens.

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;Now, actresses will sell their bodies to become famous

人生是什麼?
What is life about?

1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority

10 歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority

20 歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority

30 歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority

40 歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority

50 歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority

60 歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping up with IT is top priority

70 歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority

80 歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority 90 歲時迷失方向 At ninety, knowing directions is top priority

100 歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

[ Contributed by my good philosopher friend Ronnie Lim ]

Mating Call

Mating Call
[ Maybe not one to send on to any Irish friends we may have ]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied, 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[ Contributed by HC Chue ]

Your Duck is Dead

Feeling bored? - It's raining cats and dogs outside.
Read the following to amuse yourself.

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

[ Contributed by Mr TF Chan ]

I haven't stopped laughing! Haha.
Next time you are at the vet...don't argue with Dr Vet.

Loansharks in Serangoon North

The last couple of years has seen a tremendous increase in the number of loansharks
cases in Singapore. From police stats...more people have been arrested for criminal harassment, intimidation, vandalism and other brutish crimes in connection with illegal loansharking activity.
The number of young persons arrested have also seen a marked increase. Many are still in schools while others are school dropouts. Some are as young as 11 or 12 years old ( Primary school kids).
Most of those arrested are themselves "debtors" turned runners for the illegal syndicates. Some found it so lucrative that they offered their services as criminal intimidators and vandals to different syndicates for a fee. Schoolgirls are also involved in such crimes these days.
The schools must be at a dead loss as to how to prevent and stop their students from turning into juvenile criminals.
Almost all of these criminal activities take place outside the school and at times totally beyond the control and jurisdiction of the schools.
I have only one QUESTION to pose to the parents or guardians of these teen-age loansharkers....
these are your children, your sons or daughters involved in attempts to physically harm or injure or even kill innocent people by throwing acid, petrol, kerosene, paint and setting their doors/homes on fire;
What have you as legal parents been doing?

Do you not monitor the activity and behaviour of your children?

If you have not done your duty as parents then you will need to shoulder a major part of the blame.
Your son or daughter may have just messed up their life for good.
It is high time that parents be held partly accountable for the unspeakable crimes that some of their kids commit against innocent and defenceless folks which are now common place.
In the UK, parents of kids who skip school without reasons and found loitering etc..are held responsible. There are legislation to punish them!

In the light of all these nefarious activities, I am very, very pleased and proud to learn that my friends from the Serangoon North Merchants Association has just formed their very own neighbourhood "Loanshark Watch Group". This 19 member group will work closely with the residents and police to keep a close watch on things in their own kampong which had been hit recently.
I like this kind of kampong spirit!
So, they have 19 members...Unk Dicko will offer his special help to make it 20.

There is a story on RAZOR TV that featured them.
I just saw it. Click to see at the Straits Times online news 11 Nov 2009.

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION


Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum...
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
-----------------------------------

[ Contributed by TF Chan ]

Unk Dicko says....Haha! What a brilliant piece of writing this is! If you received a similar
glowing report in your work, better think twice or better still make sure you read in between the lines!!!

They found out only in Heaven!

Two Ladies talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[ Contributed by my HK friend Eddie ...thanks Eddie, really great punchline at end. ]