Good one-liners for laughter !

JUST FOR LAUGHS !!!

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, never drank, had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow but very sure!

8. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

9. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

10. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru.We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi.Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?

11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. Which means - it is a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!

[ Contributed by HC Chue ]

Husband versus Wife !

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,
"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said,
"You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said,
" You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.
"Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible,
and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS".

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

A Very Cooperatative Wife

A VERY COOPERATIVE WIFE

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' ... ... ... ... ... ... I love this part.... :

'Only when he's been drinking.'

[ Unk Dicko wants to know....is any of your wife that COOPERATIVE?
Tell me! ]