Don't be too smart!

An Indian goes to Woolworth's in Australia.
He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.
He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids.
He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworth's with a bag.
He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out.
He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell ! This is shit, you Idiot !"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes,........ now MAY I buy some toilet paper?"

[ Contributed by magicman ]

WHY go to Church?

If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this!
If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.
If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

Why go to Church?

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor.
It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.. But I do know this ... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"

When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
All right, now that you're done reading, send it on!
I think everyone should read this!
"When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?"

[ Contributed by magicman ]

Have YOU reached this point yet?

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the waste basket under the table,
And notice that the basket is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over..

The Coke is getting warm ,
And I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, But first I'll check my e-mail...
Do me a favour.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!